Decision

So after what seems likes weeks of rain, the sun is shining today. This weekend Mo and I finished up another bathroom and started on the last 2 bedrooms. It's amazing what color and texture and fresh trim can do for a room. I love it. My big master bath looks really clean and lovely, and before Mo leaves next week, the whole project should be finished.

And I have been thinking. and thinking. and thinking. Only the drivel has finally settled into a decision, and I have decided that the move isn't worth it. After 60 plus years of living, I know the signs. I remember the times when I have agonized over choices like this, and had those dreams that brought up the warnings. I remember the times I listened and the times that I didn't. There are always issues, and always choices, and always drawbacks and advantages, but I am listening to the voice inside that keeps nagging me at 3 in the morning, that populates my dreams, and my waking hours with should I, shouldn't I, should I.

And it seems that I shouldn't, so I won't. I have decided that I am going to stay here and just ride it out for the next year, maybe a bit more, but no more than June of 2009. The uncertainty of the actual reality of the MLRA job in Redmond is the bigger issue, the fact that this initial focus is as big in Oregon as it is in California, and I could end up just being the same kind of glorified project leader there that I am here. Mapping and digging instead of managing and correlating. That would be my biggest reason for moving. Reality is that even 3 hours distant is still hard to do often. How many times would I actually get to Portland or Albany in the next year anyway, especially if I am dealing with a new job, a new assignment, a new crew, new expectations. Then of course, there is my attachment to my home. I need my home, my space, my colors, all the things that make a space feel good to me, and here finally I have that. The world outside can be pretty awful sometimes, but my inner space is my sanctuary, my haven, my respite. Could I live 2 years in a nondescript apartment, or a studio space, no home, nothing that is mine, while I work, probably on travel most of the time, and who knows in what kind of office space.??

I finally decided that the known issues are easier to manage than the unknown. I finally decided that I am, yes I am going to say it, too damn old to keep doing this jumping off thing! I am going to be prudent, and focus, and just get this part of my life over and on to the next part without shooting myself in the foot in the mean time. No matter where I go, there I am. The work load will ALWAYS be too much in this agency, the work will ALWAYS be more physical that I am ready to keep doing after 30 years. I'm burned out, I guess, and tired, and ready to retire, and that won't be any different in Redmond than it is here. I can't run from the realities of it all. I can just do the best I can right where I am.

Mo had been really supportive of whatever choice I made, but I laughed when she said the other day, "Well, if you decide to stay here, I'll make a commitment to come down at least one week a month until you are done, and I'll pay for your move back to Oregon". So that, in itself, wouldn't make or break the decision, but it did let me know just how worried she is about me leaving the mobile unsold before the market gets better. It's not fiscally smart for me to think I can pay 500 a month for nothing, for it just to sit here until it sells, while I am trying to keep from losing my empty house in Klamath and keep a roof over my head in a new world. All over again. So not again.

I know myself, and no matter where I go, there is that 2 year thing that happens, that unsettled thing. It's just possibly starting to dissipate a bit here, or maybe not, maybe it's only right now in the clear cool unsmoggy sunlight that I feel this way. But I remember early Saturday mornings going to the farmer's market, huge sweet tomatoes, and the few months of green lovely hills before the crispy summer arrives. I can live through one more summer of crispy hot hell. Just one more. But I will have my home, and Mo will visit, and the farmers market, and the work will be heavy and hard, but I can do it one more time. Just one more time.

So I am here. And will be here till I am done.