Good things about Sonora

So there are some good things about living in the Mother Lode in the summer. First of all, this summer hasn't been nearly as unbearable as last summer. We hover around 100 on the hottest days, and I haven't seen those 110 plus days all year this time. Also, the nights have been cool enough to open my window and not have the air conditioning going all night. That is a very good thing!! And then there is the bounty. I should have taken my camera to the Farmers market this morning, but instead had to settle for piling goodies up on my porch bench to remind myself to be grateful. I went to the market early this morning, meeting Stacy and Sean, and wandered around listening to the fiddle music, watching the jugglers, and talking with the vendors. I bought waay too much stuff, including some rather amazing jams that aren't in this photo that I plan to take to my family gathering this week. The tomatoes are heirloom varieties, my favorite of which is the Brandywine, but there are also some Cherokees in here that are pretty amazing as well. And peaches that have juice running down your arm when you try to eat them, and perfect little yellow fleshed tomatoes, and berries that would be insulted by sugar. Ahh warm summer bounty. I must admit that it's hard to find this kind of luscious ripeness and flavor in things grown in our cold inland valleys of Oregon. Probably over on the west side, but still hard to find these kinds of peaches anywhere, even in Wenatchee. I am hooked on the Brandywines now for sure, and bought 20 bucks worth, hoping they will hold for at least part of the week until I get to klamath to share them with everyone.

Trying to remember to be grateful, and since I do talk a lot about the icky stuff, thought I would put in something good for a change about living in the Mother Lode

morning walk thoughts

So walking for an hour stimulates thoughtfulness for me. It's still dawn when I start, and the sun isn't up yet. I pass two old men who are discussing their chemo and levels of something or other related to their prostrate cancer, but everyone else is still sleeping. I like this time of day a lot. In fact, I find if the sun is up too much I really don't want to walk, I don't like running into people and having to smile and be nice and have conversations. I just want to walk in silence and think.

So I thought about this> "what would I be doing in my life if Mo wasn't in it. what decisions would I make if Mo wasn't there at all. if she left the planet, or for some unfathomable reason decided that she didn't want to be in this friendship with me. How would I be living right now, how would I choose."

I thought about this a lot and realized that the most important thing for me to follow all the time when making my decisions is to look very carefully at what I would choose if Mo weren't there. It's an eye opener, believe me. Not just a peripheral "what would I do" but an in depth examination of stepping back and thinking about my life and me in it as just me.

right now I would be doing exactly what I am doing! aha moment. I would still be thinking about choosing that Jan 3 2009 date as the first option. I would still be living in this house. Mo has it committed to my occupancy until I choose to leave, so I can live here without selling it until I am ready to go. Still just paying the rent for the space and utilities. So my living costs are less because Mo bought this place, but I would have it to live in either way.

And the biggest aha was that, yes, I would still sell my house, if Mo weren't in my life and if I were totally on my own, I would still sell it. I would still not want to be stuck paying capital gains on it. If I were not considering sharing a home with Mo, I would want to live closer to my kids, probably wouldn't choose to live in Klamath, as much as I love it, even if I COULD afford the mortgage after retirement, because no one would be there. I would still sell my house and maybe have to work a bit longer to figure out what came next, maybe not retire quite as early, but I would still sell my house and and would still leave california and would still choose to retire somewhere in Oregon and would still have to get creative as to how I would live, where I would live.

I talked to Mo when I got back, a good conversation, and talked about how I needed to be sure that I didn't become dependent on her being there. She brought up something that I had forgotten, however. She asked me, "when in your life have you ever been dependent on someone else? Why would you change now? have you ever been able to depend on anyone to take care of you? haven't you always been the one who had to do it? who had make the choices and make the payments and make sure you and your family had a place to live?"

Hmmm. and I said, never, but I have always wanted it somehow. even in my marriage to Lance, I was the caretaker, the one who made the income and made sure we had a home. He helped, we worked together, but he never took care of me. Except of course now and then with things like warm socks in the winter and a hot mug of something when I was sick. he cared in that way, but stability? that was always me providing it. Mo remembered that part of me that I sometimes forget.

Aha thinking. Guess it's why I love to walk

Lessons

I have been having conversations with a friend lately about life lessons, and how we learn them, and remembering an affirmation that I created long ago, "I choose to learn my lessons gently". So many times we think the only way to learn anything is with pain and incredible adversity. Been there, done that. I am hoping that for the rest of my life, the lessons come in small doses, gently. I don't want to stop growing, but I have had enough of adversity on a big scale.

Today my lessons are about letting go. My daughter has a great analogy that she uses often, "If I buy that bag, dress, car, whatever, I will be smart and pretty and happy and it will change my life". She just talked about that in her blog as she recounted a day off spent wandering around her town looking at Things. Unrelated to the lesson, or her thoughts, I am clearing out closets, practicing the letting go thing. I did it a bunch when I moved here to from Klamath, thinking I was doing a pretty good job of it. But now it's coming up again and I am cleaning closets and giving away stuff with a vengeance. Carloads to the thrift store. They have a big sign saying "absolutely no loads dropped off without approval" but I drive up in the Lexus and they smile and nod and take my boxes without a thought. But that's another lesson to ponder. My attachment to luxury.

Then again, maybe not, maybe it's all related somehow, my attachment to that "thing" luxury. Today I cleared out shoes and purses. I even have the Bare Trap velvet shoes I bought in 1978. So hot. and they are still hot. And my feet have aged and somehow they don't fit well. ah well, and no, Melody, they didn't end up in the box yet. But the box is full. There are several hundred dollars worth of really good shoes, and great leather bags in that box, shoes and bags that I wanted really badly to make my life better, to feel the soft leather and have the label there and to somehow feel like I was OK. with a purse, for pete's sake? So hundreds of dollars of "stuff" that I probably charged on some credit card to feel good about myself are in that box, the box I am carting off to the thrift shop today.

Hopefully, the lesson learned, is that I really don't need it. I really don't. And part of my life lessons have to do with managing my life and my finances. Somehow looking at the valueless dollar value represented by the contents in this box hit me abruptly in the gut.

cat families

I think it takes more than one cat around to really understand the complexity of cat family interactions. Eeven with two, I might not have been really as much aware of this inside stuff as I am after living for a time with a whole houseful of cats a few years ago with Bel. So I came home with a new cat scratcher and Jeremy immediately latched onto it, scratched for a few minutes and then plopped himself down to sleep. In the other room, I heard Teddy complaining loudly, and went in to find this scenario. A grumpy Teddy and a very self satisfied Jeremy on the new scratcher. Gee. think maybe I should have bought two?