So walking for an hour stimulates thoughtfulness for me. It's still dawn when I start, and the sun isn't up yet. I pass two old men who are discussing their chemo and levels of something or other related to their prostrate cancer, but everyone else is still sleeping. I like this time of day a lot. In fact, I find if the sun is up too much I really don't want to walk, I don't like running into people and having to smile and be nice and have conversations. I just want to walk in silence and think.
So I thought about this> "what would I be doing in my life if Mo wasn't in it. what decisions would I make if Mo wasn't there at all. if she left the planet, or for some unfathomable reason decided that she didn't want to be in this friendship with me. How would I be living right now, how would I choose."
I thought about this a lot and realized that the most important thing for me to follow all the time when making my decisions is to look very carefully at what I would choose if Mo weren't there. It's an eye opener, believe me. Not just a peripheral "what would I do" but an in depth examination of stepping back and thinking about my life and me in it as just me.
right now I would be doing exactly what I am doing! aha moment. I would still be thinking about choosing that Jan 3 2009 date as the first option. I would still be living in this house. Mo has it committed to my occupancy until I choose to leave, so I can live here without selling it until I am ready to go. Still just paying the rent for the space and utilities. So my living costs are less because Mo bought this place, but I would have it to live in either way.
And the biggest aha was that, yes, I would still sell my house, if Mo weren't in my life and if I were totally on my own, I would still sell it. I would still not want to be stuck paying capital gains on it. If I were not considering sharing a home with Mo, I would want to live closer to my kids, probably wouldn't choose to live in Klamath, as much as I love it, even if I COULD afford the mortgage after retirement, because no one would be there. I would still sell my house and maybe have to work a bit longer to figure out what came next, maybe not retire quite as early, but I would still sell my house and and would still leave california and would still choose to retire somewhere in Oregon and would still have to get creative as to how I would live, where I would live.
I talked to Mo when I got back, a good conversation, and talked about how I needed to be sure that I didn't become dependent on her being there. She brought up something that I had forgotten, however. She asked me, "when in your life have you ever been dependent on someone else? Why would you change now? have you ever been able to depend on anyone to take care of you? haven't you always been the one who had to do it? who had make the choices and make the payments and make sure you and your family had a place to live?"
Hmmm. and I said, never, but I have always wanted it somehow. even in my marriage to Lance, I was the caretaker, the one who made the income and made sure we had a home. He helped, we worked together, but he never took care of me. Except of course now and then with things like warm socks in the winter and a hot mug of something when I was sick. he cared in that way, but stability? that was always me providing it. Mo remembered that part of me that I sometimes forget.
Aha thinking. Guess it's why I love to walk
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