Saturday morning

Saturday morning, June 9, 2007

Sun shining in the windows and I am still depressed. Not severely, not sad, just feeling a bit low and unfocused and the tears are close to the surface. Closer than I realized until I started writing. Alone. Although alone isn’t really the problem, because I noticed that I was feeling this way a bit last Saturday as well, even though Mo was here. Just life. Just doing life, the everyday stuff, but doing it alone. Sometimes that is good. Sometimes it isn’t.

I feel out of touch with kids and family. They are all so far away. I went through this last year around this time. I know that I have fun things to look forward to, that I just got to spend some good time with my son, which doesn’t happen very often at all. That soon I will have a short week with my entire family. Good times. Family times. But I want to be right there. I want to go over to Deb’s house and have coffee, or to Melody’s house and sit with her while she deals with the kids and all her stuff. I got a taste of it at Deanna’s. It was truly wonderful being there, having time again with family.

I remember so well how my grandmother complained about being lonely. I am not anything like her, I have work and am so busy, but still I catch that missing family thing that she went through. It’s almost as though the missing family is more of a concept, missing something that no longer exists. Family in the same town, Sunday dinners at Grandma’s house, coffee in the morning on the porch. What porch? I have a porch here that I rarely sit on because I am too busy working. Even if we all lived in the same town, Sunday dinners wouldn’t happen that often because we are all too busy.

So today I am not busy. I have yard things, house things, laundry things waiting, but nothing overbearing. My body is tired and achey from all the hiking and digging that I did this week. Beautiful week actually, cool weather, big puffy clouds in the blue skies. Working in the higher country far north from here, out of the oaks and into the firs and pines. Lovely. Lonely and quiet in the best way possible.

Pensive. Is it just my nature to be pensive? How tiresome is that for the people around me trying to understand. If it’s tiresome for me, I am sure it is tiresome for others to listen to. Mo says, sometimes you just have to go through the motions of everyday living, without anything going on, just do the chores, take care of business, be in life without any big input from anything else. Just everyday life. So today I am doing everyday life.